All I Ever Wanted To Be Was A Mom

All I ever wanted to be was a mom.

Let me start out by saying, I had the best mom ever. I know you might be thinking that you had the best mom ever, but I can assure you, I did. I only wish she were still here so I could tell her that.

When I was a teenager, as all teenagers in a small town do, I had grand plans on how I was going to get out of here as soon as a graduated. But things didn’t go according to plan and I didn’t get out of this small town. And then I settled down and got married.

And then it happened. I realized that I didn’t want a happening social life, a fancy career or to travel the world. I just wanted to be a mom. The desire to finally start a family overwhelmed me. I felt like life was pointless if you didn’t have children to share it with.

Having a baby was not an easy process for us (I envy those of you who do get pregnant easily) and after two long, grueling, stressful years, there was finally a + sign on that stupid stick.

Flash forward 5+ years from the day I peed on that stick and I have a happy, well-behaved, loving, intelligent boy. Even on his worst days when I want put him in a box and mail him to the circus, I know in my heart of hearts that there are a large percentage of children that behave worse than he does and only a small percentage of children that could possibly behave better.  And for that reason, I am truly blessed.

I was having a conversation with my dad a few days ago and we got on the subject of his method of teaching me how to drive…..and how it usually ended with me in tears. And he said something along the lines of “I had to teach you how to drive because your mother certainly never learned.”

Now, I will add here that my mom did have a license and she did drive.

My dad continued, “She was a speed demon her whole life. And then she had you.”

To which I replied, “And became the overly cautious driver I grew up with.”

“Yes, to the extreme,” Dad said. “I’ll tell you what, when you came along your mother changed.  She dropped everything and became a mother. She devoted herself 100% to you.

“Well,” I said, “the world would probably be a better place if more parents did that.”

“Oh, yes, I agree,” Dad said. “I’m not saying there was anything wrong with it but I had never seen a person change so much so quickly.”

And there were a few more remarks made but that was the meat of our conversation. I pondered this conversation for a while. I know I’m just like my mom. I hear it all the time. I look like her, talk like her, walk like her, think like her. But when it comes to being a mom, I had never thought about how much like her I really am.

I pour 100% of my heart and my energy into raising my son. No, I don’t “go out with the girls” once a month. Any adult chat time I get is usually over a play date with kids running around. But that’s fine. It’s where I’d rather be.

No, I haven’t read a novel in ages. That’s the price you pay when you give into “Just one more bedtime story, please, Mommy?”

Those of you that know me, know I really want to home school.  My parents sent me to private school through the 8th grade.  I said I’d never do that to my children.  But looking back, I know they just wanted the best for me and to protect me.  And the world is a MUCH worse place now that it was when I started school.  And now I want the best for him.

I’d rather buy things for him than myself.   “A good time” is a trip to the children’s museum, blowing bubbles in the backyard, or going to the library…and staying in the children’s section.  If I have to go shopping, guess who goes with me?   I love watching him learn, laugh and grow.  I get more joy from seeing him happy than anything else.  Sometimes I wonder if I enjoy being a parent more than the average parent.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing it wrong.  But then I remember the example I had.  The example that raised me.  The example that made being a Mom the most important thing in her life.

All I ever wanted to be was a Mom.

I don’t remember if she ever said it when she was alive. Maybe she did. But I can imagine if she were here now, she would say, “All I ever wanted to be was a Mom, too.”