I was Quiet Yesterday

by Tabitha @ Saving Toward A Better Life on April 25, 2019 · 0 comments

in About Me

 

I’m going through a season in my life right now where things are hard and I’m tired.  2019 has not been a good year for the blog so far.  And with traffic down, some days I’m like, “I can write posts no one is going to see….. or I can [insert non-online activity here].  Do laundry, read a book, play a game with my son.  And over the last month or so, all things things I can [insert here] have been winning.  To the point that I had no content on the blog yesterday and other than a few pre-scheduled Facebook posts, I was quiet online.

Yesterday marked 4,017 days that I have woke up to a world without my mother in it.

There are two dates in my life that I can say truly changed the direction of my entire life.  The second of those dates was the day my son was born But the first of those dates happened six months prior to my son’s birth…

It was the day my mom died.  In 24 years I had been to funerals for grandparents and great grandparents, great aunts, great uncles, and even a couple high school classmates.  But nothing prepares a young adult for the death of a parent.  Nothing.  Here I was, 24, pregnant and my mom – my best friend, my support group, my cheerleader, my counselor, my shopping buddy, my role model – was gone. 

And all I couldn’t think was “NOT FAIR.”

Actually, I still think that. Just about every day.

It’s NOT FAIR …that she wasn’t in the delivery room with me.

It’s NOT FAIR …that she never got to meet her FIRST grandson (and the granddaughter and grandson born in the years since she died.)

It’s NOT FAIR …that I don’t have my mom!

And it changed me.  Some for good, some for bad.  Bad?  I think I keep more on the inside – things I would talk to mom about, I just don’t talk about it – hopes, fears, dreams, joys, parenting concerns, frustrations – I keep them bottled inside.

But the good – there is good.  It took me awhile to see it.  I dependent on my mom.   Yes, I was married, owned my own home, etc, etc.   I wasn’t financially dependent on her.  By all outward appearances I was standing on my own two feet.  But emotionally I was dependent – I couldn’t do anything without talking it over with Mom first.  If I had a question about anything (but mostly cooking and laundry) I called her.   And then one day, she wasn’t there to call anymore.  And I had to stand on my own two feet.

And then my son was born.  I wanted to scream NOT FAIR when I couldn’t call her when I couldn’t calm him down, or he wasn’t sleeping or wasn’t eating or he got that weird rash.  No doubt I would’ve blown up her phone at all hours of the day and night with questions and concerns.  All parents feel like they are doing everything wrong those first few weeks – but I had to “mom up” and trust my instincts and make my own decisions.

And you know what?  I’m better for it.  You know why?  Everything I needed to know – from baby care, to parenting styles, to household help, financial decisions and making decisions of any kind from the big things down to the best color to paint the bathroom – everything was already there in me.  Thanks to my mom.  She taught me in 24 years everything I needed to know.  But it wasn’t until she was gone that I realized that I knew it.

Yes, it’s NOT FAIR and really, it SUCKS.  In all the dreams I had about my future and my children, my mom was in them.  So it hasn’t worked out like I wanted it to.  But it has worked out.

I MISS YOU, MOM!

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